Rule 41: Uncovering the three “C” of Happiness 1) Contradictions 2) Chaos. And 3) Compromise
The previous Rule was about what happiness is. Now let’s tackle what happiness is not. And let’s start by shamelessly exposing the naked truth about our own most alluring ideals.
Happiness is _not_ Logic - Embracing the 1st C: Contradiction
Some things are not meant to be logical. In fact, outside of self-proclaimed “exact sciences,” nothing is. Love, the noble “crown princess (or prince)” of all feelings, certainly is not. Happiness, her most cherished heroine (or hero), obliges in the same way as well, while just keeping up appearances, when nobody is looking…
Why? Did you seriously expect happiness to be logical? Did that fool you too, for a while?
Well, it is time to break this myth then. Once and for all:
Happiness does not stem from logic (au contraire, my dear!) - Happiness flourishes between the creeks of contradiction.
When it comes to happiness, “lasting” does not mean “ever-lasting” (at least not while we are here on Earth).
See, I often refer to long-lasting happiness under the previous Rule - As opposed to its naturally ephemeral “happy bubble” doppelgänger.
But I certainly do not mean to assert that one can be happy “non-stop”, all the time. That would seem quite shallow - and, frankly speaking, utterly annoying!
If you never experienced suffering, how can you know, let alone appreciate, what happiness is?
I do not believe in extremes. I leave that to fanatics. I believe in graduation and nuances, because the world is made of dichotomies. And that is the beauty of it!
Here is a confession I never spoke out loud to many. In fact, in the situation I am about to recount, I try to stay as still and inconspicuous as possible… So here you go:
Almost every day, I would manage to cut out some time to attend one of the sparky classes at my local Jivamukti yoga center - which at this point has become a sort of “second home” to me really. I always leave feeling better, more grounded, but at the same time sort of “lighter” than when I arrive, no matter how tired or “super busy” I felt just before.
I love it. Or, at least, “almost” all of it!
Well, there is the catch: the practice starts with a chant - And, here is my due confession: I innerly abhor chanting. To me, any form of prayer is a very intimate affair - not something you shall feel obliged to duly repeat out loud in front of a class.
But then comes even worst: the part where I most have to restrain myself (just breathing in and out… in “let”, out “go”...), while silently brooding over the fundamental illogic of it:
“Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu”. Literally translated from Sanskrit (the “official” yogi’s mumbo jumbo), that means “May all beings everywhere be happy and free”. I looked more closely for it, and indeed “sukhino” means “centered in happiness and joy, free from suffering”.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating for suffering. I am not a sadist, for goodness! I truly and deeply wish for every living being to experience happiness.
In fact, as for actually contributing to indiscriminate happiness the most substantially, I believe (and at least some of us owe it to say this out loud for us all):
Vegans rock!
But how can one live completely “free from suffering”? And, even more absurdly, how can all beings _never ever_ experience suffering, but only joy, all the time?
Come on, are we still all talking of life down on the planet Earth here? How about the typical example of the lion happily hunting the gazelle then? But, while free within their natural habitat, all animals (with the notable exception of us humans), are acting with no malice, of course, out of simple necessity, for their own survival (not greed).
The lion is certainly very happy - having gone really hungry (possibly together with his squad of cubs back at home!) - to (finally!) find its prey. However, is anybody here going to convincingly argue that the gazelle is happy too?
See? That is what I was thinking… And all I am saying.
Happiness is _not_ Perfect - Embracing the 2nd C: Chaos
Have you ever stepped into a room so messy that, just for a moment, you thought you were witnessing the aftermath of Armageddon? Standing right there, trying to muster your best poker face in front of your - perfectly jolly (and fully at ease, thank you very much!) - host?
Hold on: Isn’t HE (yeah, let’s assume - just for the sake of arguing - that is a man… Anyway, in all likelihood, that IS probably a man’s room - except if that was my sister, who is matchless in that domain - to her credit!) bothered at all from such mess? Well, apparently, not a tiny bit!
So, there you stand, hanging between embarrassment, a hint of repelling and… Wait a sec: Is that… Wonder?! Just there, only partly shadowed by its most domineering companions - embarrassment and repel are always playing the emotional bullies - that IS unmistakenly a little wonder too!
Let’s admit it: we like to play “nice and tidy”, BUT - (doubtlessly speaking for myself here!) while struggling to just keep up with our impossible, ever-demanding orderly standards - we secretly envy those “free souls” who are apparently immune to mainstream “good order”’s compulsion.
Because, beyond all the praise, that is what order is - a compulsion.
And by the way, let’s get REAL here: Disorder is not a disease. Nobody has ever DIED because things were not in order (except if looking for a life-saving medication lost in the chaos - with the pharmacy being closed - or very, very far away).
The point is: Every time we hold ourselves accountable towards impossible, ever-demanding standards (and order is doubtlessly one of them - because things never STAY in order!), our own happiness gets - pointlessly - stuck with us in our (self-inflicted!) hamster wheel too.
The bottom line is:
Order does not last long. Are you sure you want to attach your happiness to it?
So, why not call it a day and dudge the compulsion to keep everything in order all the time, so as to indulge in some uncensored “unorderly” happiness, just for its sake, from time to time? After all, happiness does not abide by conditions - and certainly does not fare well under the “duress” of an unflinching order.
Happiness is born “wild”. If you try to hunt it down, or fit it in a tidy cage, it escapes you.
Wow! Quite proud this final line found me - THANK You, my unfailing Muse! All credits given to the sudden flash of inspiration for the quote here.
Oh, did I forget to mention it? The master key to Happiness - and many more “goodies” too - is to be grateful. No conditions attached.
And by the way, for those of you who recall my little, funny anecdote from Rule 23 in Book ONE, on Empowerment - When facing chaos, keep cool! And remember:
Where nothing is certain, everything is possible.
Happiness is _not_ Absolute - Embracing the 3rd C: Compromise
Over the years, along my own quest to identify (and keep!) things that bring happiness in my life, one of the most important (and rather counterintuitive) keystones I stumbled upon (over and over again, just to be reminded!) is this:
Often the problem is not that we do not know what we want, but that we do not know what we are ready to _give up_ for it.
There are so many cases in point that you can just pick one at random. They would probably fit all, for the one or the other occasion.
- You secretly dream to quit your job and start working remotely while travelling the world, BUT… (and here we go!) you are not really ready to give up the comfort and security that your job somehow gives you?
- Your year end’s resolution was to start a training regime to become fitter (congratulations! You have a close 99% match on all year end’s resolutions out there. Ever!), BUT… after a few well-meant attempts, you realize that waking up too early for that morning run before work, or sweating at the gym is not for you. Secretly missing your relax, sleep or free lazy time, do you?
- You wish to lose some weight, BUT… after your good shares of salads and healthy, self-made food, you really realize that all that time preparing your own lunch box is too much of a drag. And anyway why renounce to life’s pleasures, especially if presented in the form and shape of a perfectly topped ice-cream?
See? I told you there is something (or everything!) for everybody in the free bazaar of examples here.
So how do you get over all the hurdles and closer to your big prize?
Well, imagine getting stuck in a negotiation, where both parties (that being your bossy Brain versus your unruly Heart) want something. But no one is ready to give up anything.
You compromise.
- Yes, you will have to give up something along the way.
- But in the end, you will win. Because in return, you will get something that you value even more. Your chance at being happy.
It is like having to drop some heavy luggage along the way (all those shoes… I know!) to finally savour the freedom of travelling light!
So, back to our free bazaar, ask yourself this: What do you value _more_?
- If it is the security of a steady income and a cushy life, then put to rest your escape plan for now. And enjoy the perks that your means give you. Spoil yourself. Enjoy it! And if after a while you still dream of faraway, sandy beaches… then save the money and get on that plane. The path (like the waves!) will unroll on the way…
- If it is getting fitter and kicking some asses, that is exactly what you will be doing - including your own (now sweaty) one. But if nothing beats the chill-out for you, then be it. Embrace your true nature. And let somebody else happily sweat at the gym.
- If it is fitting in your skinny pants again, then turn your salads into your masterpiece main meal. Maybe you can treat yourself to a “smart” dessert just to celebrate special occasions. And you getting slender and fitter as you go. But if for you life is meaningless without your sweets ammunitions, then be true to your true love. And forget about all those skinny (and very much photoshopped!) models.
The bottom line is:
Happiness is not about getting everything.
It is about getting what you get. And coming to peace with it.