Passive entitlement vs. engaging action. Do something, speak up!
Well, I see as this might be confused with irritating arrogance, or worst self-entitlement, but please bear with me, because the distinction is subtle here. After all, isn’t the Bible itself to proclaim:
Ask, and it shall be given to you. Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and it shall be opened for you
Matthew 7:7–8, New Testament
- An arrogant, or self-entitled person is somebody who _expects_ to get things without doing anything for them.
- A person who actually stands up for something, and shows the character to ask for what she/he wants, to me it’s the exact opposite of a passive, or spoiled brat.
Of course, by simple logic, asking does not mean that you always get what you want. But as sure as that by _not_ asking your chances of simply “stumbling upon” what you want are very, very dim. And good luck if you hang on to the (delusional) hope that people will catch up with you by displaying the (supernatural!) ability to read your thoughts - because that only happens in really-weird science fiction movies.
You don't always get what you ask for, but you never get what you don't ask for… Unless it's contagious!
Beverly Sills
Let's face it: Nobody likes to be told no. Fear of rejection can be so strong, that there is a tendency for many of us to sit back, lay low, stay quiet - and, eventually, stay stuck within the perimeters of our own confining “comfort zone”.
The key is to remember:
If you don't ask, the answer will automatically be No.
Each of us has a role to play in creating the life we live, which includes, from time to time, rolling up our sleeves, stepping out there, and asking for what we want - an action many tend to avoid, be it either out of pride, fearing rejection, or simple laziness.
It is easy (but never praiseworthy!) to play the victims, lamenting the “unfairness” and “evils” of the world.
The truth is that:
Even when you cannot change what happens to you, you can always change how you react to it.
And even if fatalism has a role to play in our lives, a lot of it is (luckily!) still in our hands. Just look at those who get it: successful people, those we admire the most, are not usually the kind to sit around and wait for things to happen. They take charge and go after what they want. They never take “no” as an answer - not a final one anyway.
Where there is a will, there is always a way. Where there is no will, there are excuses.
You should not be afraid to ask. You should be afraid of not asking - and ending up settling by default.
Even when asking others for what we want might scare, or at the very least “unsettle” us, because it forces us out of the tidy box of our comfort zone (that imaginary “safe place” where we hung into some illusionary resemblance of being in control), and into the realm of “uncertainty” (where we are absolutely out of control and thus, subject to the possibility of rejection), it is always worth to take a chance.
Why not?
- When you don't ask, by default the answer will always be no.
- When you ask, at least you know where you stand. And can move on - depending on the answer, one direction, or the other.
You can apply this to any domain of life. No exceptions.
If you don’t ask, (mostly) you don’t get.
Your work?
What’s the point of postponing that discussion about your long-deserved promotion, to take one? By standing up and asking, you might actually be rewarded and get what you want, after all. Or you might get a dull “no”, but then at least you _know_ where you stand, you can drop your burden, and all those futile guessings, there and then, and - most importantly - you can start looking for more rewarding and worthy opportunities elsewhere.
Business and private opportunities?
I give kudos to people who actually _create_ what they need, instead of waiting for it, by simply giving it a shot - and asking for it. While I was looking for an apartment myself, with a very specific (and hard to find) combination of requisites (with the best central and Eisbach surf wave-near location at the very top!), I learned that one of my neighbors just found such a dream apartment for himself. How? I was wondering because I subscribed to all possible housing advertisements and newsletters and I never _saw_ his apartment appearing anywhere. Well, the reason was simple: his apartment was never advertised because it was _not_ for sale. It was only for rent - that is, until my smart neighbor decided he really liked that apartment, so he took things into his own hands and asked whether the owner would also consider selling it to him, at a very competitive price. Of course, the owner could have said no. But he said yes. My neighbor got what he was after, with no competition at all, since he created that opportunity for himself in the most straightforward and simple way possible - by asking. He thought (and acted!) outside the box. You might say “lucky”. I say “smart”.
Personal and intimate relationship?
That is the area with the most potential pitfalls, because many there tend to take a certain understanding for granted here, and then go ahead by assuming that even unspoken wishes should get picked by their partners. But the truth is that If you are not taking an active role in conveying what you actually expect in your relationship, it will soon get out of balance. Relying on mind-reading is not the best way for a relationship to thrive.
The only reliable (and frustration-free!) way for others to know what you need is by speaking up!
There is no good substitute for good communication. A willingness to ask is crucial. A lack of it only leads to disappointment, resentment, and ultimately alienation. If you find yourself heading there, just press pause, take stock of the situation, and be honest with yourself. You just need to answer a simple question:
Before giving up, did you give it a try and actually ask?
Asking for what you need is always a balancing art.
This is no little thing. There is asking - and asking. Mastering the art of asking in a way that wins others over requires at least these three things:
- Clear communication,
- High engagement and
- Low attachment.
That is a delicate mix of being:
- Fearlessly articulate - the key is to stay as straightforward and direct as possible. When the stakes are high, there is no time to waste with mumbo-jumbo (ie. Clear communication);
- Emphatically involved in the manner and moment in which you make your request - remember to try and always create a “bridge”, a connection for the other person to understand, and ideally buy into your request (ie. High engagement);
- Yet with a fatalistic and somewhat detached attitude towards the outcome, which includes never taking the rejection personally - in the end, how others respond is up to them - and in fact, might reveal more about them - or the company, or whatever the underlying general context, than about you (ie. Low attachment).
The type of asking that you need to win others over does not come from a sense of fear, entitlement, arrogance, pushiness, lack, need, or greed. Basically, it does not come from a belief that others should fill your empty bucket - Because that is your job, not theirs. It comes from just the opposite mindset: from the deep courage of giving expression to your needs and wishes, while being prepared whatever the outcome, always wearing a defying smile; it is based on a strong self-confidence, but gently wrapped in playfulness and, somehow, humbleness towards whatever might come, rather than a “never-take-no” mentality.
A funny personal instance comes to mind here: I was standing outside a pizza hut with another couple of friends - all of us (more or less) at least well-meaning, practicing vegans. Okay, I admit it: my friends are incorruptible "vegan divinities" next to me. I am more of the “sinful” kind, succumbing to the occasional (oh, fish!) temptation here and there. While my friends still needed some time with their orders, I went ahead and cheerfully asked if it was maybe possible to make a vegan vegetable pizza for me, that is just skipping the cheese and leaving everything else. I knew that it was not a granted courtesy because being a simple little hut on the shores of a lake, in fact, all pizzas were partly pre-prepared to be just briefly heated and ready. So they actually made a “fresh” pizza just for me, out of pure cheerful kinship. Well, I asked nicely, chit-chatted a bit, and thanked them with good-humored gratitude for “not letting a vegan starve”. I proudly came back to my friendy holding my vegan pizza as a trophy. So they went ahead and “ordered” a vegan pizza - and came back… just with chips. “What happened?”, I asked, frankly surprised. Those pizza guys were super friendly to me. Well, as it turned out, my friends did not stop to chit-chat, make cheerful remarks, or anything - they just “ordered” a vegan pizza. No smile. No nothing. Those same pizza guys just responded in the same way they were asked - keeping to the “script”. Nothing more, nothing less.
Remember:
If you want respect, give respect.
If you want others to be nice, be nice first.
And if you want a customed-made pizza, don’t forget a big smile.
Good things come to those who wait. Great things come to those who work for it.
It is easy to fall into the lulling habit of simply waiting for things to come your way. Or to assume certain things for granted, without bulging at all from where you stand. But that is not how things typically work. And certainly not how you get any real satisfaction out of anything.
If you don’t earn it, you also cannot fully enjoy it.
So, you have a choice:
- You can stay comfortable and wait for things to happen to you, which (wishing you luck!) could go in either direction or;
- You can stand and speak up, go after what you want, and get to enjoy the chase - and with some luck and persistence its rewards.
After all, there is an old telling that:
Luck favors the bold.
What shall it be then?