The overpowering (and exceedingly annoying!) urge to be always on “top of the game”

So why are we wasting so much precious time and effort obsessing about doing everything "right" - and doing right by everybody?

The unspoken truth is that:

The urge - and illusion - to be always “on top of the game”, and have everything “under control” can be very intoxicating. Before we even know it, it becomes a compulsion - One that is far more widespread than we care to admit. It is everywhere, permeating almost every aspect of our modern interactions - And yet we hardly recognize it for what it is: A full-fledged dependency! 

Just take a break to look up from your damned phone yourself from time to time. Notice how everybody (including you, just a second ago!) seems glued to their display, completely numb as if under an invisible “evil spell”? Endlessly scrolling for new (equally unimportant) feeds, checking emails, “missed” (pun intended!) messages and calls.

And (worst!):

You feed the same “evil” by answering each message the minute it comes, as if under an irresistible compulsion of having to react immediately - Even (and especially!) when you have absolutely nothing concrete to really contribute, other than signaling that you (or more often somebody else) may eventually (with some luck!) take care of it.

Why? Who are we looking to fool here? 

Well, if you are being honest:

It is undoubtedly easier to bother others than to really “bother” yourself - While just keeping the pretense of being still “on top of the game”.

Beware though: 

In your hopeless quest to “tick off” each box of an endless to-do list, your thin-spread energy - or laziness - only accounts for a part of it.
The other part is that in our fast-paced, ever-connected life, you have really come to “depend” on this urge to be always “on top” of everything - Even though nobody really has the time - or capability - for it. And the fewer come around to admit it. So you respond to this need and act _as if_ you are the one “in control”, while it is your urge that is really controlling you.

So, is there a way out of it? 

Well, yes. But it starts by “sobering up” and taking the humble step of admitting that, to one degree or another, we are all helplessly screwed! 

The need to have “everything under control”, as fleeing as it is, is simply too overpowering, even “intoxicating” - And we have all grown too dependent on it.

To get a real chance to free yourself of any dependency, you need to admit that you have one in the first place. Pause to observe and recognize when your impulses are getting the best of you - But then, instead of getting sucked in the usual “vortex”: 

Cut yourself some slack!

Eventually: In the same way as an alcoholic needs to accept her/his inability to “control” her/himself around alcohol, you need to accept that you might no longer be the one “in full control”. 

And, where “fighting” headfirst is helpless, you need to do “something else” to avoid being caught in the same helpless situation again and again. For an alcoholic that “something else” is seeking support - and avoiding being even close to alcohol! 

Because:

Whenever you are at the mercy of an addiction, there is no point in trying to change that. It is much more effective to acknowledge it, and stay, even forcibly (and with some help!) as far away as possible from it.

This is what I call “cutting yourself some slack”:

Give yourself a rest - also (and especially!) from yourself!

Sometimes, as I catch myself about to be sucked in my own “vortex” of automated reactions, at the mercy of my own unhelpful thoughts, or fixations, I am reminded of a question from my yoga teacher training:

Who would you be _without_ that thought?

Just take a moment to consider this:

If you are _not_ that thought, but the one driving it: Why should _it_ be driving you?
You are the mind behind _all_ your thoughts, so why not just entertain an _uplifting_ one?

And sometimes there is nothing more uplifting than just forgetting about all the troubling thoughts, and be reminded of how nice it feels to simply _be_, without _doing_ anything in particular. And just letting some “floppiness” pass too.

It sounds simple, but it is not that easy - Especially if you are a “floppiness”-adverse person like me - Reacting to each single “slight of floppiness” as if it were a personal affront to my honor. That is my “Achille’s Tallon”: Overthinking everything. Worrying over things indiscriminately (anything really would do!) and, more often than not, for nothing. Wanting to do everything “right”, and right away. 

And I know that my telephone, and my emails, are a catalyst of it: As soon as I “snuff” at the chance that something could go wrong, instead of just “chilling” and waiting, I start “preemptively” over-reacting, reaching out through all possible channels. And (big spoiler!) that invariably only makes things worse. 

The best advice I got from my exceptionally equanimous husband while worrying, no… obsessing over yet another email from a particularly obnoxious (and slightly deranged) lady during our vacation, was that: 

Do nothing! 

Even if such an email really arrived (which - surprise surprise! - never did), it would be so “unworthy”, that there would be absolutely _no need_ to respond. 

While compulsively scrolling again and again over my phone, in dreadful anticipation of having to brace myself over yet another annoying message from the same annoying lady, I never realized that the solution to all my worries was indeed “at my fingertips”: All I had to do was indeed letting go of my phone. 

“Simply” stopping to check my emails was the only sensible thing to do all along. But being simple does not mean being “easy”. And knowing only too well that I might be unable to do just that (the temptation of grabbing my phone and checking my emails once more being just too strong!), I opted out - that is I “cut myself some slack” - by “blocking” the sender in all precaution. 

This is what cutting yourself some slack means here: Distantiating yourself from the source of your “addiction” - Being it alcohol, substance abuse, or - the latest “evil” - all the “smart” devices that bring all those “dumb” messages.

Toxic circles can act like a vortex, sucking all your energy in, and are hard to break - It is much easier to circle around them. Luckily nowadays, there is no shortage of means, and technologies, to do just that: 

Why do you think an ad-hoc “spam” folder, or the option to “block” particular contacts, was added - almost like a “benign afterthought”, from your mailing and telephone providers? 

By the way, the same “magic remedy” of wide circumspection made the “trick” for me when it came to stopping obsessing over my “ideal figure”. I simply removed the personal scale from my home. That was it. And all of a sudden, it felt hilariously liberating not having the “means” of weighing myself each day!

Learn to master the “floppy side” of everything.

You cannot always count on other people. But you can always count on “floppiness”: And you can either suffer - Or “profit” from it!

As illustrated just a moment ago: Really, consider the tons of messages you receive (or send yourself!) with absolutely nothing to contribute, except maybe the usual numb question showing only that nobody was really bothering reading the original message in the first place. 

Here is the last one for me. Email subject: “3-room apartment for rent. Suitable for a couple and maximum a child”. Query: My client is looking for a 4-room (!) apartment for herself and her two (!) children. Would the apartment be suitable? 

Honestly? Is there even a point in responding? Who are we kidding? 

It is tiresome and inconvenient, but certainly easier to ask and have your answers “spoonfed” to you, rather than going through the trouble of finding them yourself by simply going through the whole message you just got. And let’s not fool ourselves, when trying to be thorough and elaborate on all the details: The longer the message, the smaller the chances that it gets read till the end. No point in getting all worked up. You can spare yourself the energy - And ensuing frustration! As only too often the case: 

Less is more!

I can lose myself in dumb examples here - And, in the process, lose my faith in humanity altogether. Or I could sign, lean back, and recognize the occasional floppiness without getting too worked up by it: 

• Look past it, and simply turn your attention to something more fruitful. 
• Or, if you _really_ have to, indulge it as you would with a dim-witted child. 
• Or, if you are short on patience like me (children or not) take an honest look at yourself and consider the times others had to put up with you, as we _all_ have our shortcomings (it only takes courage to admit it to yourself!), and reciprocate the courtesy by being “benevolent” in turn.

Imagining an ideal world where you only deal with smart, enlightened people is wishful thinking. In the real world, you have a mix-bag of everything. 

And before you get too caught with the “wrong” sort, just take this rule of thumb:

Whenever you cannot change something: You can either suffer - Or “profit” from it.

1. Plentiful examples of (unnecessary) suffering:

Here you can truly take your pick.

Here are some examples of “suffering” - which, by the way, is the “default” whenever you let yourself get upset by something that didn’t run according to your ideal screenplay, and you do not do anything to change it - ideally for the long term: 

• The cleaning company “forgetting” to lock the door, or letting the light on in your apartment. Truly, this happens so often, that you can basically count on it, and factor it in your overall costs already. 
• And sometimes it is not just “small things” - on which you should consider in the first place whether it is worth even getting upset. Sometimes you meet floppiness where it can hurt: Totally unnecessary bureaucratic hurdles, like when passport applications are “delayed” for over a year (yes, it has happened!) for no discernable reason; Lazy “superiors” who do not bother double-checking the facts with you before taking a decision that might affect you directly; Or, if you are still a student, professors who simply evaluate you based on your previous grades, rather than on your performance with them - After all, conforming with the “clan” is easier than sticking out and think for yourself.
  

2. Helpful examples of “profiting”:

Whenever you realize there is a “gap” and do something substantial to change it, either for you, or for other people. There is always a business opportunity wherever you realize you “miss” something, and that you could help others that might feel like you!

The Magic 3 of beating “floppiness” - Instead of letting “floppiness” beat you up!

In fact, there are three things you can do _not_ to suffer futilely:

1. You can accept the occasional floppiness as a “thing of life” 

Do not let yourself be bothered about it. Look and pass. Go with the flow. You have to choose your battles: Not everything deserves your attention:

Focus is a precious commodity.
And being happy is often better than (prooving others of) being right.

Here think of small things or “minor flows”, with a relatively “low impact” but requiring “high maintenance” to be “fixed” are better left alone: The costs, in terms of your time and energy, are hardly worth the “gain” - if it comes to a gain at all. 

2. You can fill the “floppy” gap by taking things into your own hands: Control when it is worthy.

I realized the agency I charged to rent out my own apartment misrepresented the size it, because neither they (despite being paid for it - shame shame!) nor I (as I simply relied on them to actually do their job) took the time to simply sum-up the numbers reported for each room on the apartment’s layout - which apparently had “generously” discounted some square meters from the total added-up sum it displayed. 

Those few “missing” square meters though mean a substantial difference if you are renting, or even selling your apartment, in a city as expensive as Munich! Astonishingly, all it took was a quick double-check on a simple addition, which was really not that complex considering the apartment had just three rooms! 

And the correction did make a difference: Having the the size of my apartment - with the extra square meters - straightened out, will serve me better not just when it comes to determining the appropriate rent now, but also - and even more - one day, to sell it at the “right” price.

3. You can fill the same “floppy” gap for others like you (your co-suffering human fellows!) as well.

If you think about it, most breakthrough innovations started with just one individual noticing that something was “missing” - and, instead of snuffing it away, decided it did not need to stay that way. 

Think about the invention of something as “basic” today as an electric bulb. But then imagine how it must have felt to turn on the switch of a light for the first time!

Admittedly of all the three possibilities above, for the over-conscious among us (and for sure speaking for myself!) the most challenging is the first: Simply accepting the occasional floppiness as a “thing of life”. 

The Challenge of “Just” Holding Back

Many of us are very quick to critically snuff at others’ “floppiness” (not so much our own) and instantly try to “fix” things (mostly causing more damage than good). Ironically though, we are not always so quick to recognize when “holding back”, and simply letting go, might simply serve us all better. 

So before overreacting next time, just take a step back for a moment, and consider whether you can indeed achieve more, with less - Less energy, less judgment, and ultimately less frustration.

Because the deciding question is:

What serves you (and others) best?